Apparently my life/attention span only allows for one form of social media at a time, and blogs have recently fallen by the wayside.
However, I felt this experience to be blog worthy, mainly because I feel it should be documented for my own use. (Why in the world is this easier than writing it down in a journal?? Beats me.)
I am a terrible decision maker. Not that I often make terrible decisions (I only do that sometimes), but I am terrified of making them. I am frequently paralyzed by the fear of making a wrong decision, especially when that decision will alter the course of my life. I make myself sick with anxiety and am completely consumed with weighing my options.
Recently, my work offered me a position that involved me transferring to New Jersey, indefinitely. I was right in the middle of buying my condo and had just started to lay out my class schedules up to graduation (in 3 semesters).
The middle part of this story is mostly me being a wreck about the decision and only having about a week to make it (a few years ago when I was deciding whether or not to move to Ohio it took more time to make up my mind than I actually spent there), praying a lot, talking to my family a lot, asking them to pray a lot, making pros and cons lists, etc. It was a very heavy weight for me. I kept waiting for the answer to my prayers to come, but it didn't.
So after much tribulation and wrestling, I decided to go. I was going to put my faith in the Lord and take a step even when I was unable to see what lay ahead.
I started contacting friends of friends who lived in NJ, inquiring about the singles ward, browsing for apartments, planning the logistics of moving, etc. etc. etc. I was both excited and terrified. I was looking forward to the change of scenery, pace, people, everything. This was going to be a great way for me to make my life bigger. Despite my fears, I had committed to go, and that's exactly what I intended to do.
It was at this point that my bosses decided that it wouldn't be worth it financially to transfer me back east and that I would just continue to do my job from here. I felt so relieved and so disappointed. It was a mix and strength of emotions that I don't believe I have ever felt before.
My friend called it an "Abraham and Isaac" experience, which felt appropriate to me (on a significantly smaller scale, of course).
Was it to prove myself? Possibly. Was I supposed to learn something? Definitely. Do I know what that something is/was? Nope, not yet.
But the moral of the story is that I'm sticking around, for now at least.
